The Trials and Tribulations of a West Coast Imposter

So, as I'm sure you all know ("you" being the people I know in real life who might actually take interest in reading this blogospheric masterpiece) I spent the first two months of my summer in Seattle, WA. I drove all the way out there, and I drove all the fuck way back. On the return trip, it only took me two days, as I was driving like a woman possessed (Anyone remember that story about the crazy ex-astronaut lady who drove from Houston to Florida to kill off her supposed "rival"?). I basically lived off of 5-hour energy shots, and Visine drops to keep my eyes from crusting over 'cuz I stopped blinking after a while. Anywayzzzzz..... I'm really only including this chunk because Elaine thought that my stay in Billings, MT *shudder* had some entertainment value.

So, to set the scene: It was just after dusk, as I was nearing my 14th straight hour of driving, going 75 miles an hour over the last few dips, dives, and hairpin turns that the Rocky Mountains had to offer. The sky was at that horrible, in-between sunset and night-time phase, where you can't see a damn thing. My palms were sweaty and I was chewing my lip like a smack addict, as I tried not to hit one of the thousands of pronghorn antelope that were hanging around. I prayed to God that I would get to Billings, MT soon..... I was tired, delirious, and I was starting to talk to myself. I called ahead to the Best Western, Billings, to confirm my room for the night. They assured me that everything was all fine and dandy, and I thought that that was all there would be of it.......

So I finally reach Billings at about 10 o'clock at night. The Best Western was right off the highway, and seemed a paradisaical oasis in the long, flat, black nothingness that was Montana at night. The hotel was huge, and had leather furniture and a chandelier in the lobby - pretty swanky for a Best Western, I thought. I asked the rather rotund woman at the front desk if I could check in, and my heart sank as she informed me that I did not have a reservation at her hotel. She said, "Well, there's TWO Best Westerns in town, yah know." The only thing hse had to offer me was a king-sized, whirlpool suite. Looking back on it, I should have said "yes," and paid the $180 for the stupid room. Little did I know that the "other" Best Western was quite possibly the absolute black hole of the universe.

I got into downtown Billings at about 11pm, after being completely turned around in an industrial park, because all of the city streets were ripped up, due to construction (figures.) I should have been tipped off while I was driving there - I was going through town when I saw a bright, green sign behind a razor-wire fence, advertising the "Billings MT. Women's Correctional Facility." The sad thing was, it was probably the best-kept piece of real-estate for a mile around. I had a hard time finding the hotel, at first, because as it turned out, the hotel shared a wall with an auto-parts store, and was basically built underneath a parking garage. Nice. As it turns out, there was absolutely no place to park, so I had to hunt for the next 20 minutes for a parking space before checking in for the night. I thought I had found a nice location, kind-of tucked away into a dark alleyway, until I looked over my shoulder and saw that the alleyway adjoined to a food-pantry slash mission, that looked kinda like the halfway house in the Blues Brothers that Elwood shacked up in. Thinking better of my decisions, before I became a feature of the evening news, I looked once again for a parking spot. Luckily, a man pulled out of a space in front of the hotel in his Lexus, with a startlingly blonde woman who most certainly did not look like his wife. I headed to the front door of the hotel, and happened to glance across the street, where I was greeted by the sight of the Billings, MT. women's shelter and soup kitchen, this time around. Gritting my teeth, and close to tears, I finally got my room key, and was almost to my bed for the night before being accosted by an unkempt, 5 foot tall woman in her fifties demanding to know where her mother was, and if she was mad at her. At this point, I just gave this last person in my day a blank stare, and scurried into my hotel room, where I slept amidst ominous thuds and yells from the walls around me.

So...... to wrap up, don't go to Billings, MT. And if you do have to stay there, for whatever reason, stay at the Best Western that is 5 miles outside of town.